Just Eight Weekends

And one of them has already gone by. It is hard not to get anxious when you live in New England and have such a long winter to plan for such a short summer. Below are some DOs and DON’Ts to help maximize the little time we have left.

DON’T buy a new bathing suit. By the time they go on sale, all the good ones are gone anyway, and besides, this is an activity that always takes way too much time because time only flies when you are having fun, and this activity is never (and was never, even when you were ten or forty pounds lighter) fun. So wear the old Speedo (unless you are a guy, and then please DON’T,) and DO invest in a nice roomy cover-up.

DO read, (or better yet, listen to, when you are stuck in beach traffic) all of Augusten Burroughs’ memoirs, starting with Running with Scissors. He is just so funny, in that inimitable way of irreverent, dysfunctional fifteen year old boys who swear a lot (and those who love them.)

Not that you would, but DON’T even think of reading James Frey’s memoirs. I don’t even care that they are not true; they are soo not well-written. (If you want a well-written, witty, and honest memoir of addiction and recovery, DO read Burroughs’ Dry.)

DO get one of these cool air cards if you plan to travel and are averse to sitting in the parking lots of public libraries (or Starbucks) to tap into their wireless connections. For $59.99 a month, you can access the Internet on your laptop wherever you can use your cell phone (which does eliminate Easton, Connecticut, but you probably weren’t planning to vacation there anyway.)

DO read Beloved. It is not overrated. It is one of the most remarkable experiences I have ever had. I still don’t know if I understand what it meant to be a slave in the USA, but it is the only time I felt like I did.

If you want to, DO read The Terrorist, and tell me what you think. Can a 74 year old Episcopalian from western Massachusetts know what it is like to be Ahmad Ashmawy Mulloy? Please DON’T, however, go to see Updike on his book tour, and definitely DON’T pay $15 for the privilege as I did. I’ve been ripped off enough for all of us.

DON’T try to visit all your out-of-town friends this summer. By the time you reach a certain age, you will have more friends than you do summer weekends. If you do plan to visit even some of your friends, DON’T even think about taking a two week vacation. That would use up almost 40% of your summer weekends. There is always next summer.

DO renew your acquaintance with the Beach Boys. Even if you didn’t like them their first time around, no other music is going to make you feel like “that” again, and it is even better belting out “God only knows what I’d be without you” when you really do know.

Summer weddings--just DO it. But DON’T fall for the fool headed idea that the cost of your gift must equal the cost of your plate of food.

DO or DON’T read War and Peace this summer. Am I the only one who thinks it’s like a Russian Gone with the Wind?

DO read last summer’s July July by Tim O’Brien. The critics hated it, but I think it is one of the few works of fiction about a Big Chill reunion that gives equal time to how both men and women feel about having a lot of life under and over their belts.

DON’T read Curtis Sittenfield. I finished Prep, but I wish I hadn’t, and her new one sounds even more self-indulgent and depressing without any good reason to be either.

DO just sit and read anything you damn well please this summer--by the pool, in a boat, on the beach, in a car, or on a plane. And when you do have to get some exercise, DO listen to a book while you are walking, running, or treading the mill. Just don't try to use your iPod to listen to a book unless you want to pay for the download rather than getting it for free from your public library. For that you will need to use another MP3 player. (And that is a subject for another blog.)

Finally, DO make time for the beach this summer, even if you live on a lake or a golf course. There is just nothing as sensuous and life affirming as the smell of the salt, (and the onion rings and the fries,) the sound of the surf, the crunch of the sand between your toes, and the feel of a breeze on a sunny day. I'm sorry my words come out sounding so trite, but the beach experience is like having a baby--such an ordinary, everyday occurrence, but the most extraordinary one that even the most accomplished among us will ever have!